Christmas Mourning

    Well tonight brings another Christmas Holiday with the celebration of our Savior and time spent eating great food and opening presents. Over the past 5 years Toni and I have discovered the difficulty of celebrating the Christmas Season in the midst of experiencing immense loss. This year we are mourning the loss of both my Dad and a miscarriage between Toni and I. In our society the holidays are supposed to be a celebration and not a time of mourning and grieving. 

    Ever since the loss of Olivia 5 years ago there is the constant reminder that she was here on this earth and now she is not. As James (Our Rainbow Baby = Subsequent baby after loss) grows older it is at times a constant reminder that he is not our only child and that there is a gap in our family. Our First born Olivia was born and gone the day of our 5th Wedding Anniversary. We also have had two miscarriages that I come to find out are just as important losses even though they never made it to full term. We should have 4 children and instead James perceives himself to be an only child when looking through the lens of a  near 3yr old. His mother and I know better and little by little we are introducing Olivia into his day to day. 

    There are 4 stockings on our mantel, two of them have names on them for Olivia and James. I catch myself staring at them and wondering what Olivia would look like and sound like next to James. I picture the two of them helping Toni while setting up and decorating the house and our Christmas tree… Is this selfish of me? Am I stuck in the past? Am I not happy with what God has given us in James? I would say a resounding “No” to all of the above. We cherish Olivia and her short life that was lived on this earth. She will always be known as our first born. The Holidays are always going to be a little rough when we remember those loved ones that we have lost.

-Geoff